The Schizophrenic Donkey: Bacon makes it better.

I don't know exactly why, but it's an established fact that bacon can disproportionately benefit a dish, (see irrefutable supporting evidence at bottom). Throw some bacon at an otherwise dull culinary exercise and kablamo; The sum is suddenly more than it's parts. It's frickin' magic. And there's so many collateral benefits like that awesome smell, bacon grease and, er high cholesterol.

But truth be known, making bacon is not something I've ever been good at. The result was just never restaurant-quality good, or even very consistent. I remedied that by going deep under cover, spending months posing as a waiter in a real New Orleans fine dining establishment! [Editors note: I actually lost my job and worked at a restaurant to avoid becoming homeless and losing my teeth before the age of 30.] Every weekend-morning shift, I would watch the masters as they somewhat lovingly crafted their delicious bacon.

And what did they do so different? They baked the bacon. No flipping, no burning yourself with hot bacon grease, nothing to it.

Suddenly I thought to myself, "Frying bacon is obviously for suckers, I wonder if the word 'bacon' is just a not-so-crazy derivation of the aforementioned cooking technique?" But before I could think too hard on this, I my lusty desire for well-cooked bacon took over.

Too embarrassed to tell Chef I didn't know how to make bacon properly at home, I quickly googled my way into a legitimately fool-proof way to make consistently good bacon:

Stuff:

thick-cut bacon, (preferably naturally smoked with salt NOT being the first ingredient)

a big cast iron pan or cookie sheet

tin foil or parchment paper

something pokey

Technique:

1. poke holes in a sheet of tin foil that's big enough to cover your pan or cookie sheet (drains grease)

2. place the tin foil over the pan or sheet.

3. place bacon on tin foil

4. set cold oven to 400° and place pan or sheet inside

5. do something else for about 15 minutes

6. look at the bacon and take it out or continue to cook it to desired done-ness